John Madden Football Center coming to Cal Poly SLO

San Jose Mercury - 2 hours 26 min ago

Cal Poly-San Luis Obispo’s football program unveiled plans Saturday night for the John Madden Football Center, named after its most famous alumnus who went on to become a Pro Football Hall of Fame coach with the Raiders and an Emmy Award-winning broadcaster.

Announcing the $30 million, 30,000-square-foot project at halftime of Cal Poly’s game Saturday night against Sacramento State were Madden’s wife, Virginia, their sons, Mike and Joe, and grandson Jack, a Cal Poly nutrition major.  Before passing away last December at age 85, Madden worked extensively with Cal Poly President Jeff Armstrong and football coach Beau Baldwin to sketch out the new team headquarters, that will be built beyond the south end zone at Alex G. Spanos Stadium.

Madden, who grew up in Daly City, played football and baseball at Cal Poly in the late 1950s.

John Madden played both offense and defense for Cal Poly in San Luis Obispo.John Madden played both offense and defense for Cal Poly in San Luis Obispo. 

“We are certain the John Madden Football Center will be a transformative facility that elevates every aspect of Mustang football,” Mike Madden said in a statement through Cal Poly. “It will be a centralized home for the entire football community — a state-of-the-art facility for current and future Mustangs, designed to develop their physical and mental skills and provide a place to gather with teammates to study or relax. Further, it will afford coaches regular interaction with current Mustangs, while also being an attraction to help recruit the best future players.”

It will include a locker room, strength and conditioning facilities, a nutrition center, a lounge, offices, training rooms, a hall of champions, and a team-meeting theater that can seat 125 players.

“Cal Poly Athletics, and specifically the Football Program, is the front porch of Cal Poly. Investing in the program where alumni and the local community can be proud of their achievements will lead to a deeper engagement and nurture a pride that provides alumni more reasons to come back to Cal Poly,” Armstrong said. “And as we planned the facility, Coach Madden was focused first and foremost on the health, well-being and overall experience of football players. This will be a facility for our student-athletes, designed and planned by the best coaches.”

Broadcaster and former Oakland Raiders coach John Madden poses with his bust after enshrinement into the Pro Football Hall of Fame Saturday, Aug. 5, 2006, in Canton, Ohio. (AP Photo/Mark Duncan)Broadcaster and former Oakland Raiders coach John Madden poses with his bust after enshrinement into the Pro Football Hall of Fame Saturday, Aug. 5, 2006, in Canton, Ohio. (AP Photo/Mark Duncan) 

The Madden Center will front Mustang Memorial Plaza, which honors 16 members of the 1960 team who perished in an Ohio plane crash, many of whom were Madden’s friends.

While the Madden family led the donation effort for the center, Cal Poly is still seeking to raise an additional $6 million. The Madden family is also funding multiple scholarships to Cal Poly for East Bay youths.

“This amazing commitment from the Madden Family will help lead the charge for our entire Cal Poly community to get behind this project, and support championship football here on the Central Coast,” Mustang director of athletics Don Oberhelman said.

Categories: Local News

49ers vs. Rams: Five keys to beating the reigning Super Bowl champs

San Jose Mercury - 2 hours 26 min ago

SANTA CLARA – The 49ers’ six-game win streak over the Rams came to an end when it counted most – with a Super Bowl berth on the line last January.

Bygones.

The 49ers must move forward. This season, not last, matters most. It already could be on the brink Monday night when they host the Rams – the reigning Super Bowl champions.

Win, and the 49ers not only improve to 2-2 overall, but 2-0 in NFC West action which ultimately should dictate their playoff path.

Lose, and coach Kyle Shanahan’s team packs a 1-3 record for an ensuing 10-day road trip, where they’ll face the Carolina Panthers and the Atlanta Falcons, with a third annual layover in between at The Greenbrier in West Virginia.

See, this is about looking ahead, not to the regular-season win streak over their SoCal rivals, and not to the 20-17 NFC Championship Game loss.

That was eight months ago. Does it feel like an eternity to Jimmy Garoppolo considering his winding road since then?

“It does,” Garoppolo said, “and then you watch the film and it all comes right back to you and you start replaying those things in your head and putting yourself in those situations again, and it’s like riding a bike, you’re right back to it.”

These are the five most crucial ways to take the lead and hold it Monday night:

Wide receiver Cooper Kupp, right, of the Los Angeles Rams catches a 16-year touchdown pass against safety Jaquiski Tartt of the San Francisco 49ers during the first half of a NFC championship football game at SoFi Stadium in Inglewood on Sunday, January 30, 2022. (Photo by Keith Birmingham, Pasadena Star-News/SCNG)Wide receiver Cooper Kupp, right, of the Los Angeles Rams catches a 16-year touchdown pass against safety Jaquiski Tartt of the San Francisco 49ers during the first half of a NFC championship football game at SoFi Stadium in Inglewood on Sunday, January 30, 2022. (Photo by Keith Birmingham, Pasadena Star-News/SCNG) 

5. COVER COOPER

The 49ers’ most pleasant surprise this season is their secondary, which is complementing one of the NFL’s fiercest defensive fronts. Cooper Kupp could change that mojo.

Kupp leads the NFL with 28 receptions, a year after winning the receiving triple crown (145 catches, 1,947 yards, 16 touchdowns). He scored the Rams’ two touchdowns as part of a nine-catch, 113-yard effort against the 49ers in the NFC title game.

“It’s the Cooper Kupp show, like no matter how you try to slice it up, whether the guys are doubling, whatever it is, the guy finds a way,” 49ers defensive coordinator DeMeco Ryans said. “The connection and chemistry with him and (Matthew) Stafford is one of the best I’ve seen in the league in a long time. Those guys are always in sync and they’re always on the same page.”

Covering won’t be just the task of outside cornerbacks Charvarius Ward and Emmanuel Moseley. The 49ers could dispatch L.A.-native Deommodore Lenoir, who supplanted Sam Womack II as the nickel back last week.

“I love it. I feel like this is where I belong,” Lenoir said. “People used to tell me, `you could be a nickel, you could be a nickel’ and I’m like, `No, I’m an outside corner.’ But now that I’ve slowed it down and actually learned I can go full throttle and this is where I belong.”

Quarterback Matthew Stafford, left, of the Los Angeles Rams get sacked by defensive end Nick Bosa, center, of the San Francisco 49ers, as guard Austin Corbett (63) attempts to block,during the first half of a NFC championship football game at SoFi Stadium in Inglewood on Sunday, January 30, 2022. (Photo by Keith Birmingham, Pasadena Star-News/SCNG)Quarterback Matthew Stafford, left, of the Los Angeles Rams get sacked by defensive end Nick Bosa, center, of the San Francisco 49ers, as guard Austin Corbett (63) attempts to block,during the first half of a NFC championship football game at SoFi Stadium in Inglewood on Sunday, January 30, 2022. (Photo by Keith Birmingham, Pasadena Star-News/SCNG) 

4. STIFLE STAFFORD

No, we’re not going to bring up the NFC Championship Game again, right? OK, just for a second: Matthew Stafford could have short-circuited their fourth-quarter rally had his pass not been dropped by safety Jaquiski Tartt on a potential interception. The 49ers let Stafford off the hook.

Stafford entered this season’s encore with arm trouble. Three games in, he’s completing 72.5 percent of his passes, with just two interceptions against four touchdown passes.

He’s been sacked nine times this season, so consider that an invitation for Nick Bosa to pad his team-high total of four sacks. The 49ers’ pass rush is fun to watch (unless Russell Wilson is slipping past it for a comeback win, as usual). While Bosa draws double-team blocks, the 49ers other defensive linemen need to get to Stafford.

Yes, the 49ers can pressure with a four-man rush, but perhaps they send Fred Warner, Dre Greenlaw or Talanoa Hufanga on blitzes to make things spicier.

SANTA CLARA, CALIFORNIA - NOVEMBER 15: San Francisco 49ers' Deebo Samuel (19) heads to the end zone to score a touchdown against the Los Angeles Rams in the fourth quarter at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif., on Monday, Nov. 15, 2021. (Nhat V. Meyer/Bay Area News Group)SANTA CLARA, CALIFORNIA – NOVEMBER 15: San Francisco 49ers’ Deebo Samuel (19) heads to the end zone to score a touchdown against the Los Angeles Rams in the fourth quarter at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif., on Monday, Nov. 15, 2021. (Nhat V. Meyer/Bay Area News Group) 

3. PLAY BALL HOG

Remember a year (darn it, the past resurfaces!) when Kyle Shanahan requested a 40-carry assault against the Rams at Levi’s Stadium on a Monday night. The 49ers ran 44 times for 156 yards in that 31-10 win on Nov. 15. Do they have that in them again?

“That’s our game plan this week: get back to our identity in running the ball,” McKivitz said.

They’ll have to conquer a five-man defensive front that the Rams, and even the Broncos last game, have used to flummox the 49ers’ rushers.

How might the 49ers mix up their rushers? Jeff Wilson Jr. and Deebo Samuel could be spelled more this game. Shanahan indicated that Jordan Mason and Marlon Mack would have been rotated in more last game if not for short, second-half drives. Tevon Coleman also could get summoned from the practice squad.

The 49ers rank eighth in time of possession (31 minutes, 38 seconds), despite producing the NFL’s 24th-most yards. Of the 49ers’ five touchdown drives, they’ve taken 34 plays, bolstered by 22 runs.

SANTA CLARA, CALIFORNIA - NOVEMBER 15: Football fans do the wave during the San Francisco 49ers game against the Los Angeles Rams in the third quarter at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif., on Monday, Nov. 15, 2021. (Nhat V. Meyer/Bay Area News Group)SANTA CLARA, CALIFORNIA – NOVEMBER 15: Football fans do the wave during the San Francisco 49ers game against the Los Angeles Rams in the third quarter at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif., on Monday, Nov. 15, 2021. (Nhat V. Meyer/Bay Area News Group) 

2. HOME-FIELD HEROES

The 49ers have won five in a row at home, their longest streak since Levi’s Stadium opened in 2014. It took that Nov. 15 win over the Rams to launch this streak, and end one in which the 49ers had not won at Levi’s Stadium since the Rams’ October 2020 visit.

Embrace that home-field advantage while it lasts. Fans will be at full throat one way or another for a prime-time audience. After a week of voicing their disgust about the Denver debacle, the 49ers’ Faithful will change their tune if the offense comes to life, if the defense silences the Rams, and if the special teams simply do their jobs.

“Home-field advantange has to do with one thing: the other team can’t jump off the ball as fast,” Shanahan said. “… Cadence is a big deal. When you can’t hear the quarterback, it gives the other team an advantage. Our stadium’s been real loud and it’s been an advantage.”

After this game, the 49ers only have one home game (Oct. 23 against Kansas City) until mid-November. They should savor the home noise while they can.

Defensive end Aaron Donald, right, of the Los Angeles Rams celebrates a stop against quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo (10) of the San Francisco 49ers during the second half of a NFC championship football game at SoFi Stadium in Inglewood on Sunday, January 30, 2022. (Photo by Keith Birmingham, Pasadena Star-News/SCNG)Defensive end Aaron Donald, right, of the Los Angeles Rams celebrates a stop against quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo (10) of the San Francisco 49ers during the second half of a NFC championship football game at SoFi Stadium in Inglewood on Sunday, January 30, 2022. (Photo by Keith Birmingham, Pasadena Star-News/SCNG) 

1. DONALD VS. JIMMY G

As much as 49ers’ fans love to espouse how guard Daniel Brunskill neutralized Aaron Donald in past meetings, flash back (if you will) to the NFC Championship Game, when Donald pushed past Donald and lassoed Garoppolo, whose last-ditch throw yielded an interception to seal the deal.

Donald remains a combustible menace. Garoppolo is, well, it depends. The 49ers’ quarterback is notorious for rebounding from losses (and interceptions). This is a new year, a strange year. Garoppolo must play vastly better than he did in Denver, beyond the embarrassment of retreating through the end zone for a safety.

To ward off Donald – and perhaps blitzes from Bobby Wagner — it will take more than a gutty effort from a guard, in Donald’s first-ever matchups with Spencer Burford or Aaron Banks.

The No. 1 priority for the 49ers, as daunting as it may be, is to shore up an offensive line missing left tackle Trent Williams until likely November. Colton McKivitz enjoyed a Week 18 win over the Rams as Williams’ replacement, and he’ll need to recapture that confidence for this rematch. Center Jake Brendel will be taxed like never before, and that snap must be on cue, unlike last game’s second-half fumble. Right tackle Mike McGlinchey and left guard Aaron Banks are their best run blockers, so get them moving, get the rushers breaking free, get the offense moving, then they can get out of town to the East Coast in a much better position.

 

Categories: Local News

ASK IRA: Does Omer Yurtseven deserve the Heat eyeball test?

San Jose Mercury - 2 hours 57 min ago

Q: Ira, I’m watching the preseason for one reason: Big Yurt. We know what Bam Adebayo can do. Dewayne Dedmon has been in the league a decade. So let’s see toe-to-toe this week with Rudy Gobert (or Karl-Anthony Towns), Nic Claxton, Steven Adams. – Frankie.

A: But the preseason also is about establishing continuity for your primary players, which is why Bam Adebayo will need the work. But I also agree with your premise. The inference with Omer Yurtseven seemingly is what he cannot do, particularly on the defensive end. So let’s see, before the games start to count for real. Tuesday’s exhibition opener could be particularly useful, with the Timberwolves featuring the rare opening combination of dual big men, with Rudy Gobert and Karl-Anthony Towns. I’m all for more Omer now, so we can get a better read on what should come next.

Q: I’ll be in Memphis on Friday. Will anyone play? – Ed.

A: Even when it’s not a back-to-back set, there are no guarantees when it comes to the preseason. But when it comes to playing in Memphis the night after playing in Brooklyn, I would brace for a lot of Jamaree Bouyea, Jamal Cain, Orlando Robinson and Dru Smith. The highlight might be seeing two-way players Marcus Garrett and Darius Days.

Q: How do I get tickets for Monday’s scrimmage? – Mike.

A: By going here.

()

Categories: Local News

Horoscopes Oct. 2, 2022: Kelly Ripa, do what’s best for you

San Jose Mercury - 3 hours 25 min ago

CELEBRITIES BORN ON THIS DAY: Akira Akbar, 16; Kelly Ripa, 52; Sting, 71; Annie Leibovitz, 73.

Annie Leibovitz talks to the media during tour of her new exhibit, " Pilgrimage", at the San Jose Museum of Modern Art, in San Jose, Calif. on Wednesday, June 5, 2013. (Josie Lepe/Bay Area News Group)Annie Leibovitz (Josie Lepe/Bay Area News Group) 

Happy Birthday: Slow down, go over details and do everything by the book this year. Don’t overextend or take on the impossible mentally, physically or financially. Aim for balance and equality in everything you pursue. Refuse to let emotional or sensitive issues ruin your chance to head down a path that offers security and stability. Choose to do what’s best for you. Your numbers are 3, 11, 18, 23, 34, 45, 48.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Put your emotions on the back burner and be reasonable. Think matters through, and you will come up with a plan that will encourage you to implement discipline into your everyday routine and time and finesse into how you present yourself to others. 2 stars

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Adjust what isn’t working for you and go about your business. Strive for peace of mind and eliminate negativity and opposition that is holding you back. Take control and live life your way. A change will lift your spirits. 5 stars

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Put your energy where it will do some good, and have fun. Get involved in something that allows you to use your skills, talents and physical attributes to your advantage. Play to win and compete with intelligence and courage. Romance is favored. 3 stars

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Taking a risk with your health or heart will not bode well. Put your time and effort into self-discipline, organization and mapping out a reasonable way to move forward at home and with meaningful relationships. 3 stars

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Be a good listener and observe how others react to what you say; it will help you find common ground. The information you gather will help you develop a plan to give your skills and attributes a new and profitable outlet. Romance looks promising. 5 stars

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Emotions will get you in trouble. Overreacting to what others do or say will cost you. Don’t get involved in a joint venture or share expenses. Make your position and what you can afford clear to avoid interference or pestering. 5 stars

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Use charm, but don’t embellish. How you conduct yourself at events or in conversations will determine who reaches out to you in support of your efforts. Live up to your expectations by setting reasonable guidelines and sharing feelings and facts. 2 stars

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don’t try to fix what’s working. Dedicate your time to nurturing a meaningful relationship. If you overreact or overspend, you’ll pay the price, and it won’t be cheap. Take care of money and health issues before they spin out of control. 4 stars

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A makeover, updated look or fixing up your surroundings will put you in a good headspace. Make plans to spend time with someone you love and discuss your intentions. Don’t make promises you can’t keep or ask too much of someone you love. 3 stars

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Problems will grow if you aren’t well informed. Preparation and understanding the pitfalls you are up against will help you make decisions that will benefit you and others. Don’t let emotions disrupt your life. Choose peace over chaos. 3 stars

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Get involved in a movement that makes you feel impassioned. Don’t let what others do interfere with your efforts. Discipline and hard work will turn an idea into something concrete. Measure your success by the response you receive. Romance is favored. 3 stars

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You’ll find it difficult to say no. Don’t take on more than you can handle or hang out with people who pressure you to do things you shouldn’t. Be honest, and walk away from situations that are unsafe or unhealthy. 4 stars

Birthday Baby: You are sensitive, demonstrative and possessive. You are prolific and colorful.

1 star: Avoid conflicts; work behind the scenes. 2 stars: You can accomplish, but don’t rely on others. 3 stars: Focus and you’ll reach your goals. 4 stars: Aim high; start new projects. 5 stars: Nothing can stop you; go for gold.

Visit Eugenialast.com, or join Eugenia on Twitter/Facebook/LinkedIn.

Want a link to your daily horoscope delivered directly to your inbox each weekday morning? Sign up for our free Coffee Break newsletter at mercurynews.com/newsletters or eastbaytimes.com/newsletters

Categories: Local News

Word Game: Oct. 2, 2022

San Jose Mercury - 3 hours 26 min ago

TODAY’S WORD — POLARITY (POLARITY: po-LAR-ih-tee: The state of being as different as possible.)

Average mark 49 words

Time limit 60 minutes

Can you find 66 or more words in POLARITY?

TODAY’S WORD — POLARITY pail pair paltry parity parol part partly party patio patrol pilot pita pity plait plat platy play plot ploy polar polity port portal portly pray oily opal oral lair laity liar lira airy alit alto aptly arty atop rail rapt raptly ratio riot roil roily ropy royal iota tail tailor tapir taro tarp toil topi topiary trail trap tray trial trio trip triply troy typo tyro

To purchase the Word Game book, visit WordGameBooks.com. Order it now for just $5 while supplies last!

RULES OF THE GAME:

1. Words must be of four or more letters.

2. Words that acquire four letters by the addition of “s,” such as “bats” or “dies,” are not allowed.

3. Additional words made by adding a “d” or an “s” may not be used. For example, if “bake” is used, “baked” or “bakes” are not allowed, but “bake” and “baking” are admissible.

4. Proper nouns, slang words, or vulgar or sexually explicit words are not allowed.

Contact Word Game creator Kathleen Saxe at kzsaxe@gmail.com.

Categories: Local News

Bridge: Oct. 2, 2022

San Jose Mercury - 3 hours 26 min ago

Average players tend to credit experts with mystical powers, like computer technicians and auto mechanics. (When I take my computer to a shop, I half-expect to find the repairman wearing one of those pointy magician’s hats with stars and moons and such.) In fact, most of the extraordinary plays an expert declarer makes are based on simple logic.

Today’s North-South got to four spades after South opened one spade in fourth seat. West led the king, ace and a third heart, and South ruffed East’s nine and cashed the A-K of trumps.

When East discarded, South took the K-A of clubs, ruffed a club in dummy and ruffed the last heart. West overruffed with his queen and led the queen of clubs. Declarer ruffed in dummy but couldn’t avoid a diamond loser. Down one.

South slightly mistimed. He can cash only the ace of trumps, then take the top clubs and ruff a club. He comes to his hand with the king of trumps and ruffs his last club in dummy. South then ruffs dummy’s last heart. If West refuses to overruff, South throws him in with the queen of trumps at Trick 11.

West must then lead a diamond, all he has left, and South must guess: Should he play the queen from dummy or play low?

A declarer who has operated to best advantage so far will guess right, based on the bidding. West, who passed as dealer, has shown the queen of spades, A-K of hearts and queen of clubs. He can’t have the king of diamonds, so South should play low from dummy.

Many “expert” plays are within the reach of any player.

West dealer

N-S vulnerable

NORTH

S 10 9 5 4

H 10 8 4 3

D Q 7 5

C K 6

WEST

S Q 7 3

H A K 5

D J 6 4

C Q 10 5 4

EAST

S 8

H Q 9 7 2

D K 9 8 3 2

C 8 7 2

SOUTH

S A K J 6 2

H J 6

D A 10

C A J 9 3

West North East South
Pass Pass Pass 1 S
Pass 2 S Pass 4 S
All Pass
Opening lead — H K

©2022 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

Categories: Local News

The Sunday Read: ‘The Safe Space That Became a Viral Nightmare’

N.Y. Times - 3 hours 26 min ago
An argument at Arizona State’s multicultural center spiraled into a disaster for everyone involved. Who was to blame?
Categories: Local News

Warriors rookie Patrick Baldwin Jr. shows promise in Japan preseason games

San Jose Mercury - 3 hours 51 min ago

SAITAMA, Japan – The Warriors’ pair of preseason games shared a glimpse at 2022 first-round pick Patrick Baldwin Jr.’s potential after he missed summer league with an ankle injury.

Baldwin showed great court awareness and solid decision-making in both games.

After recording seven points on 2-of-3 shooting in eight minutes in his debut Friday, Baldwin was even more impressive Sunday.

One highlight of his came in the fourth quarter when he intercepted a Wizards’ pass and tossed the ball to Mac McClung who took it home with a fast-break dunk. Baldwin finished with 12 points, going 4-for-5 from deep, and he had six rebounds.

“He was terrific,” coach Steve Kerr said after the NBA Japan Games finale. “He’s a really good basketball player. He understands the game, you can see with his flow, his moments, his shooting, his passing… He just gets it, he has a really good feel.”

Kerr didn’t know what to expect from Baldwin heading into training camp.

Baldwin was limited over the last two seasons due to an ankle injury. He was a top recruit out of high school but opted to play at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee for his dad rather than join a bigger program. There, he played in only 11 before being shut down and turned his focus on the upcoming NBA draft as his injury persisted.

Baldwin said his ankle was about 95% healed when the Warriors picked him No. 28 overall. He wasn’t cleared for summer league but gradually increased his workload this summer to prepare himself for training camp. And now, he said he’s “confident” in his ankle.

In the weeks when Kerr was away from the team’s practice facility, he heard rumblings about how good the 19-year-old could be.

“At the end of the summer, all of the coaches who were working with him when I was out of town, they were raving about him,” he said. “They prepped me for it, said this guy has good feel and be a really good fit with us.”

But it wasn’t until last week that Kerr could see for himself the promise Baldwin possesses.

His early assessment on the rookie?

“I’m very impressed,” Kerr said.

Kerr was also pleased with the team’s valiant fourth-quarter effort during which the Warriors’ bench outscored the Wizards 30-10. McClung, here on a training-camp deal, scored all nine of his points, going 4-for-6 from the field, in the final 12 minutes. Baldwin added six to help Golden State secure its second win of the preseason.

“To come out here and catch a win and outscore them 30-10 in the fourth quarter, I think that’s a step in the right direction for us,” Baldwin said before getting on a bus to the airport. “And to be part of that group is pretty cool and it just gives us more confidence moving forward.”

Categories: Local News

Indonesian Fan Still Hears ‘Voices Screaming’ After Match

N.Y. Times - 3 hours 55 min ago
One witness said most of the victims were people trapped in the stands, not those on the field. Without tear gas “there would have not been any casualties,” he said.
Categories: Local News

Leicester Tensions Have Roots in India

N.Y. Times - 3 hours 56 min ago
Violent confrontations in Leicester have prompted soul searching in an area long heralded as a success story of diversity and integration among its large Indian diaspora.
Categories: Local News

Ask Amy: Is it too late to tell my children the truth about our family?

San Jose Mercury - 4 hours 26 min ago

Dear Amy: My son and daughter are now middle-aged, and my parents have been gone for more than 20 years.

I’ve not told my children the whole truth about my parents. It was awful growing up in a house full of alcohol, anger and abuse.

The reason I’ve not told them was that I didn’t want to injure their memories of their grandma and grandpa. My parents treated their grandchildren with love, as opposed to how my siblings and I were treated by them as they raised us.

I’ve grown and changed over the years to overcome the damage of a sad childhood, and both of my children have worked through whatever they suffered at my ineptness, most likely through therapy.

My daughter and I are close, while my son, with whom I used to be very close, started treating me dismissively once he went off on his own.

Related Articles

I’ve wondered whether telling them both the true story of my upbringing, including traumatic events they have no clue happened to me and my siblings, would be all right this late in the game.

They are highly moral, responsible adults, in solid marriages.

I almost feel like I’ve answered my own question, but what does Amy think?

Mom Missing My Son

Dear Mom: I don’t suggest initiating a discussion about this with your children unless there is some meaningful context, and until you are prepared for a wide spectrum of responses, ranging from compassion toward you to blaming you for disparaging their grandparents after their death.

It would be wisest to start by discussing your childhood trauma with your siblings. They are your peers and fellow survivors. They might have made disclosure choices with their own families that would influence you.

Understand that your children might view this as a bombshell and not quite know what to do with your revelations.

Do approach this frankly as a successful survivor, responding honestly to questions: “What was Grandpa like when you were young?”

“It was rough for us. I’m glad that he was a much kinder grandfather.”

I do suggest initiating an open and frank conversation about alcohol abuse in your childhood. Alcoholism can manifest as a family disorder, and your children should be aware of the alcoholism in their family.

Trying to repair the relationship with your son should be a priority. I don’t believe you would necessarily build a bridge by talking about your childhood experiences but by encouraging him to talk about his own and then taking it from there.

You mention that your children may have sought therapy. A therapist would help you to work through this process, now.

Dear Amy: I attended a large celebration event at a public venue. All of the (many) gifts were placed on a table.

My gift was expensive and personal, and ever since placing it on the table, I’ve been worried that it did not make it into the hands of the recipient.

It has been over a month and I have not heard anything. Should I call? I don’t want to seem like I am trolling for a thank you card.

Worried

Dear Worried: Yes: call, text or email.

You can start by saying how much fun you had at the event, and thanking the person for inviting you.

Then, be honest! Say, “I’ve been freaking out a little bit that my gift might have gotten lost in the pile. Can you do me a favor and let me know whether you received it?”

Dear Amy: “Frustrated With the In-laws” wrote about his wife taking calls from her siblings every evening.

Here is a mental health saver I started during a time of strife for my family and which applies to “draining” calls/texts from family/friends.

We call it the “Eight-o’-clock Rule.” After 8 p.m., we stop talking or thinking about anything negative, troubling or beyond our control.

If we can’t resolve it tonight, it’s out of our thoughts so we can rest and refresh for the next day.

This also applies to taking calls or texts from others who will not contribute to our moment of respite.

I tell others about this so they know I am not ignoring them, but am allowing myself time to recharge so that I can be the supportive friend or family member they need.

It works wonders, and I hope your other readers may find some value in this practice.

Recharged

Dear Recharged: I appreciate the way you frame this choice, and recommend it for others.

Related Articles

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

 

Categories: Local News

As New Term Starts, Supreme Court Poised to Resume Rightward Push

N.Y. Times - 4 hours 26 min ago
The justices return to the bench on Monday to start a term that will include major cases on affirmative action, voting and discrimination against gay couples. Several will take on questions about race.
Categories: Local News

Anti-Vaccine Parents Go From Welcome to Ostracized in Marin County

N.Y. Times - 4 hours 26 min ago
The wealthy California county just north of San Francisco has one of the nation’s highest Covid-19 vaccination rates after years of being known for parents who opposed shots for childhood diseases.
Categories: Local News

‘I Did All I Could’: As Floodwaters Rose, She Fought to Save Her Disabled Brothers

N.Y. Times - 4 hours 26 min ago
Darcy Bishop for decades has cared for her two brothers, who have cerebral palsy. Hurricane Ian was her biggest test yet.
Categories: Local News

Mystery Solved: ‘Dateline’ Finds Path From TV to Podcast Stardom

N.Y. Times - 4 hours 26 min ago
The true crime storytelling that has done so well for so long on television seems to have met a moment in an entirely new medium.
Categories: Local News

My First Yom Kippur in Exile

N.Y. Times - 4 hours 26 min ago
When it became clear that Vladimir Putin would require me to support his war in Ukraine, I had to leave.
Categories: Local News

I Make Video Games. I Won’t Let My Daughters Play Them.

N.Y. Times - 4 hours 26 min ago
Parents aren’t doing enough to protect their kids from gaming addiction.
Categories: Local News

Indonesian Soccer Tragedy Is Latest in History of Stadium Disasters

N.Y. Times - 4 hours 56 min ago
These events have prompted major changes. But fatal tramplings still occur, with more than 150 killed in Indonesia on Saturday.
Categories: Local News

Dear Abby: My co-worker made no attempt to control the dogs

San Jose Mercury - 5 hours 25 min ago

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I attended a party at the home of one of my co-workers. There were about 15 guests.

The problem was the homeowner’s pets — two dogs that live inside. They were allowed to roam freely during the party.

They barked each time a guest knocked or rang the doorbell, and they jumped on each person who entered. They hovered at people’s feet waiting for food to drop or to be given to them.

It felt like we were expected to pet the animals and interact with them whether we wanted to or not. The homeowner made no attempt to control the dogs or keep them away from any of the guests.

I don’t dislike animals, but I don’t want other people’s pets jumping on my clothes, trying to lick me or getting close to my food.

Related Articles

Two large wire kennels were visible along a front hallway, which I assume are used during the day while the homeowner is away at work.

What would have been the polite way to ask my co-worker to put the dogs in their kennels or out in the garage while the guests were eating?

LIKES PETS, BUT …

DEAR LIKES: To an animal lover, a pet is a member of the family. Your co-worker obviously saw nothing wrong with his/her dogs mingling with the guests.

There is no polite way to ask a host to put a family member in the garage during a party.

Telling your co-worker that you found the pets’ behavior disruptive may solve your problem, because he/she will probably omit you from future guest lists.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and I have a relationship that isn’t healthy. I know that may make me seem like a terrible person, but hear me out.

I was never “allowed” to be a child. For as long as I can remember, I have taken care of her because she refuses to grow up. My father wasn’t in the picture.

I thought that when I grew up and moved out, she would make some lifestyle changes, but she never did. I’m constantly having to put my life and plans on hold to cater to her needs.

She won’t keep a job, she’s an alcoholic and, above all, she has it in her mind that she’s been a great mother and now it’s her time to “live for herself.” Abby, she’s the most selfish person I have ever known!

My fiance and I are trying to embark on a life of our own, but I can’t move ahead because I’m constantly worrying about her.

I love her, and she will always be my mother, but I can’t keep this up or I will never be able to live my life. What should I do?

MAKING CHANGES IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR MAKING CHANGES: It may take the help of a licensed mental health professional to separate emotionally from your mother. She has not only turned you into her parent, she appears to be in denial about two things: her parental abilities and her drinking. You cannot resolve these issues for her.

You and your fiance should absolutely start concentrating on the life you are trying to build together, and do it as geographically distant from her as you can manage. This is called “emancipation,” and do not expect her to like you for doing it.

Related Articles

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Categories: Local News

Pages